The Second Time

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If you didn't catch it... this is a baby announcement.

The second time around, it only took 4 months. I was also still breastfeeding for 2 of those months, so I'm not sure if that impacted anything? But regardless, this time was WAY faster... and different. Since we weren't consciously trying (just "not preventing"), it was somewhat of a surprise. And I feel bad saying it but... less exciting? I think when you aren't so desperately wanting it, dreaming about it, etc. it's a different reaction. Of course, I smiled. The first person I told was Calvin. I'm not sure he understood... but did flash his sweetest little grin, waddled over and gently patted my belly like a dog. The rest of the day, he probably gave me 50 kisses at random times. It was the sweetest.  Then the other half of the day, he was the whiniest and naughtiest he's ever been. Needless to say, I am both exhausted and slightly terrified.

I was pretty sure I was pregnant. Even though the reaction was different, the leading up to was eerily similar. Just like with Calvin, I had some really random insomnia. Despite being exhausted, I couldn't sleep and several nights I woke up in the middle of the night for no reason and laid there... wide awake. I also started craving mac n' cheese and pizza... just like with Cal.

But this time, a new symptom was added, unexpected crying. It happened first at church, which I didn't contribute to pregnancy at the time. I just attributed it to the sadness of being released from my calling as a leader of the Young Women. Of course I was also sad, but while sharing my testimony, an uncontrollable type of crying consumed me and I had never experienced that before. The same thing happened again that night while watching Bachelor in Paradise. Kirk broke up with Carly and I just burst into tears. Like full-on, bawling. Like equivalent tears as if Kirk had just broken up with me, and abandoned my child. hahah... it was quite ridiculous. And then I did a laugh-cry like Ashley I. and it was downhill from there. Usually I can fight back my tears, hold them in, or at least somewhat control them, but not this time. Luckily I was home alone so Husband wasn't around to make fun of me... This sort of thing never happened with Cal.

After all of the above (+ a late period), I knew it was time for a test. I got a positive confirmation (two times) and then went straight to the computer to Google a "due date" calculator. So unofficially, baby #2 will be arriving May 12, 2015. And if he is anything like his brother, more like May 20. (Yes, I'm referring to the baby as a "he" because Husband is 100% positive he only makes boys, so I just go along with it to keep him happy, while secretly hoping it's a girl to prove him wrong. And so I can buy pink things.)

Anyway, just like last time, Husband was at football when I found out. I decided I wanted to get a "Big Brother" shirt for Calvin to tell him the news! We didn't have a lot of time before he would be getting home, so we decided to run to Target after seeing some online. Unfortunately, we couldn't find any in the store. I was disappointed but decided I would get him a "Sugar Daddy" candy with a cute note. But again... they didn't have any. We were running out of time (& Calvin was successfully and repeatedly escaping out of the cart), so as a last resort, I checked the greeting card section. While I was searching for the right card, a mom with two kids parked her cart around the corner. Then all of the sudden her toddler started SCREAMING at the top of her lungs, "I WANT TO GET OUT!" This was not just screaming, it was crazy/hysterical/tear-filled tantrum screeching. Normally this wouldn't bother me, but all of the sudden I just felt completely inadequate and terrified. What were we thinking? How could I possibly handle having TWO kids?! I then started crying again. I had to go. I grabbed the cheapest card I could find. It said something about a baby shower so I crossed out the words "shower" and wrote a little note. It was quite pathetic haha.

Husband (still not knowing the news) said he wanted to meet us for dinner and we settled on Chipotle. Ironic? (If you remember, I told him about Calvin by bringing him a Chipotle burrito wrapped in a onesie.) haha so there we are, eating our Chipotle and I gave husband the card with the exciting news about baby #2! He was definitely surprised! His comments kept on changing from things like, "I am happy." "It's good timing." To (somewhat joking) comments like, "I'm not un-thrilled." "I'm never eating Chipotle with you again." "No baby can be better than Calvin."

Which brings me to my fear. Calvin was / is such a good baby. He is very self-soothing and chill. Both friends and strangers always comment about how "calm" he is. Obviously they don't see him at his worst... haha, but overall he is the sweetest.  He is also a great night sleeper and eater. And I just have this horrible feeling that my next baby is going to be completely different, in the worst way. I also feel so exhausted just thinking about having a newborn... AND a toddler. But I know people do it. Mothers everywhere do it. So I know it is possible and somehow we will all survive. (At least that's what I tell myself.)

Despite the exhaustion and slight nausea, I am SO excited to be pregnant. I love knowing there is a little person growing inside of me. I feel so lucky! I also know that my mom is my best friend and I LOVE having a family with both brothers and sisters, so I hope I can give Calvin that too. Of course it wont be easy, but I know in 20 years, I'll look back and miss these days.

Ok, I'll be honest... I'm saying this while laying on the couch, as Calvin continuously throws balls and hard blocks at my head, as I try really hard not to take a 5-minute power nap because I feel more exhausted than ever before, but I know the second I close my eyes he will do a somersault off the couch and hit his head on the table. Not to mention sometimes I secretly dream about what it's like to be a normal 26-year-old... single, with no kids, free to go shopping and actually try clothes on without having to pull a kicking toddler back under the door for the 9234857 time, or just lay by the pool with your eyes closed, or go out dancing past 9pm because you aren't tired yet and sleep in 'til noon on Saturdays because you can, or eat an entire meal without sharing my fork / drinking backwash because he had to have MY cup, or shower without having to jump out, soaking wet, in the middle because he just grabbed the dirty side of the plunger...

But even though I daydream about other lifestyles, I wouldn't trade all the freedom in the world for the craziness of motherhood and my sweet Calvin. There is nothing better than creating little humans and watching them learn and grow. The love and joy just makes my heart burst.

Ok. So now I'll end my hormonal, semi-bipolar, pregnant lady rant with this quote:

Raising children is not what you do if you can squeeze the time in. It's what God gave you time for.