What I want him to know

This post is going to be a combination of loving and also a tad bit morbid. But keep reading, I promise it gets better.

I often have thoughts of, "What if I die in a car accident today?" Or "What if my husband gets hit while riding his motorcycle and is incompetent for the rest of his life?" Or "What if I'm murdered in this dark parking lot walking back to my car?" Not that I'm super worried all the time or scared to live life, but these thoughts just come to me and then I dwell on how I would feel, how life would change and what it would actually feel like to be dead.

It's an intriguing thought, because we are all going to die, eventually. And there is always a chance it could be today. While these thoughts I have are at times disturbing, I think they put things in perspective and help me be a better person. I would never want my last memory with my husband to be me yelling at him or saying something mean. That would haunt me. So while I'm not perfect, these thoughts tend to make me more forgiving and more aware of what I say and do.

Hypothetically, if I were to die today, these are the things I would want my husband to know...

• I love how you are proud of me when I walk all the way from the door to the bed, with the lights off, and don't even jump to avoid the scary person who might grab my legs from under the bed.
• I'm so glad we have similar taste in music. Nothing like the windows down and a good country song on the radio.
• I love how you are always honest with me and tell me when my shoes don't look good with my outfit or my hair should be fixed. A girl needs to know these things.
• I get a little scared when you spot tiny microscopic deer in distant fields and hills, while you are driving down the highway. But I love how excited you get, every time.
• I know I get annoyed when you tickle my feet or trap my arms in a bear hug for too long, but I also know I'd miss it if you stopped.
• I love that you play the guitar. Even if it's Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star, it still steals my heart every time I watch you play. And the piano too... so sexy. 
• I'm impressed with your sense of style and love that you care if your shirt is wrinkled or your shoes don't match. But I also love that you're comfortable in sweats and hoodie (or your giant footsie pj's).  
• It's perfect that you encourage me to have girl's days and even better that you have boy's days too. I think it's healthy and makes us both happier.  
• I love that you are willing to go places with me even if you don't really want to, whether it's a picnic in the park, or an internship in Europe, or shopping for a gallon of milk.
• It's fun that I'm always learning new things about you. Like when I found out the real reason you complain about picnics is because you hate sitting Indian style because your body isn't flexible that way. But if we found a picnic table you'd be totally for it. 
• I think it's cool that we have our own secret language made up of humming noises.
• I love that you think I'm most beautiful with no make up on. It's what every girl wants to hear, even if she disagrees.
• I admire your work ethic. When you have a job to do, you are amazing at working until it's done (and until it's perfect). Not many people can work as long and as hard as you do.
• I think it's funny that we turn our weaknesses into nicknames for eachother like "bull-pher" and "na-rinch." It makes it almost impossible to stay in a bad mood.
• I love that you are a lot more laid back than you used to be and we laugh more often than we yell, because you're funny to me. Like when I say "Hey babe! Are you up and at 'em?" And you say, "No. I'm up and Chris!" bahaha We have the same sense of humor. 
• I especially love that you laugh at the crazy things I do and say and never call me "weird" because you don't think I'm weird... most of the time ;)
• I love how well you know and understand the gospel of Christ. You're always teaching me and I know you will be a great source of knowledge for our children. 
• I appreciate it so much when I'm super stressed and freaking out about a big project and you just repeatedly tell me that I'm going to be great and things will be fine. You replace the reassuring voice in my head when it's missing.
• I love that you are perfectly content watching chick flicks with me. You don't even argue or complain.
• I'm so lucky you are willing to help around the house - like laundry, dishes, cleaning, organizing and cooking... but still do the manly things too, like take out the trash and mow the grass.
• I think it's cool that you like the History Channel, and TV shows like Swamp People hunting alligators and the Alaskan gold rush. It's so cute when you get excited about a new episode.
• I love how you are just like a baby. When you're upset it's easy to figure out because all I have to do is look at your facial expression and non verbal communication. Then I know it's one of two things: you're either tired or hungry.
• I'm so impressed by all your DIY projects. Like when you built my shoe shelf and made me a giant ornate mirror. You're always learning how to do things yourself, like fixing the car and your motorcycle... you amaze me. 
• I love that even after 4.5 years of marriage... you still open my car door for me, just like you did when we were dating. Doesn't matter if it's the grocery store or a date, if it's rainy or snowy, or you're tired, you're still a gentleman. And even though I take it for granted sometimes, it really makes me happy. 
• It's the best when you get really clingy and just want to snuggle and hold me close.
• I really value your loyalty. I know that I can always trust you and I have 100% faith that you will never cheat on me. In fact, I trust you so much that even if I see you talking with other (prettier, skinnier) girls, I never feel jealous. I know I have nothing to worry about. 
• I adore you when you play with my nieces and nephews. Seriously, the most attractive (& cutest) thing I've ever seen. And they love you too.
• I'm glad you let me take a million pictures of everything; especially when I have to take about 20 because you keep making funny faces or doing something crazy right before the 10-second timer goes off. Even if I freak out like I'm annoyed... I still can't help but laugh. 
• I love that you are athletic and competitive at all the best sports - football, basketball, baseball, skiing, and tennis. And you looked so great in that Utah State football uniform. 
• I can't believe you called my legs chain-saws when I didn't shave. But then again, I think it's so funny because then I can threaten you with them and use them as a weapon against your super sharp toenails. 
• I love when we fake fight. And that you're afraid of my pinches and face slaps, 'cuz we both know I can't punch. 
• I'm thankful that you are strong, and great with guns, knives and a bow... I feel safe with you and know you can protect me and our future family. 
• I love that you're the perfect balance of city boy- shopping, broadway musicals, skylines...and country boy- hunting, fishing, ranches.
• It's perfect that you know when you can tease me about Ohio State, and when you need to leave me alone, because they lost and I'll maybe cry.
• I love how persistent you are, like when everyone said there was no way we would get same-day tickets to see The Last Supper painting in Milan, but somehow you found a way! 
• I'm glad you are careful with money and always looking for ways to help us save and budget. Even though I desperately hate it sometimes... I need that in my life. 
• I love when you leave little notes in my suitcase that I find later while I'm unpacking on work trips. I treasure them. 
• I'm so lucky that you support me in my job, my business and my dreams. You believe in me. That's so important. 
• I love that we have about 25 varieties of kisses (starfish are my favorite). But they aren't gross in a PDA way... mostly they just make me laugh. 
• I really appreciate when you admit to being wrong, and say you are sorry. I know you're not perfect and I don't expect you to be, but this makes it so much easier to forgive you. 
• I love that you call me "little girl" and comment on how little my hands, legs and waist are... it makes me feel feminine and beautiful.
• It's the best when I get a phone call from you at random times, just to see how my work day is going, or to tell me how many points you just got on Words With Friends.
• I love when you get so excited to see me that you wrap your arms around me, pick me up in a giant hug, and swing me around. My feet feel light, my heart falls in love a little more (& I usually can't breathe and have to tap out while squeaking out, "too tight").

I could probably continue on with this list for hours, but for now, I just want you to know that even though there are times when we are so annoyed that we can't even stand to be in the same room together...I know that somehow we're still right for each other. And no matter what happens, our love will last. Not because our marriage is perfect or easy, but because we are committed and willing to work on it every single day, for the rest of forever.

Ok, husband. Those are the things I wanted to make sure you know. But seriously... please don't die anytime soon, K?