Sometimes, married life is awful.
(Did she just say that?! Yes, yes I did.)
Most often, the only things people blog, write, post, tweet, and photograph... are the good times. This is probably for the best. No one wants their feed to be filled with people's negativity and dirty laundry, right? (Although in some ways, it might be a bit healthier.)
Awhile back, I shared this...The Honesty Behind Family Photos. And in case you missed it, the metaphor is: people do a great job showing the life that they want you to see. We all do it. It's really easy to appear happy, in love, and perfect.
But today, I want to be the opposite.
Instead of blogging about my 25th birthday, I'm going to take you for a drive through the other side of my life that never makes it on Instagram. And maybe this is one step too far into the "privacy zone." But we're going there anyway.
Husband and I fight. Quite frequently.
Recently, I've been thinking about starting a "no social media" during fights, because 100% of the time I'll see something like this:
"My husband is the sweetest, most perfect angel who ever existed! I'm so grateful that he is bestest friends with my mom, and looks just like Liam Hemsworth, with a voice like Michael Buble, and surprises me with trips to Hawaii to celebrate being so successful since he was just nominated for Forbes Top 30 under 30... and I just wanted you all to know how great he is because all he does is tell me how beautiful I am and that he doesn't deserve me! And I'm like, NO. I don't deserve you! But seriously, babe. I love you times a million! #soinlove #myhusbandisbetterthanyourhusband"
Ok, that was a bit over the top. But when you're in a bad mood, fighting with your spouse, those types of comments make you want to start punching people in the face. I should be happy for them, I know. And on any other day, I probably would be. Just not in that moment.
It's during those times, that I need to remind myself of this quote:
I'm so guilty of this. But that's the point of social media, right? To share the highlight reel of your life? All the great foods you eat, places you travel, people you love, things you buy? It's no fun to post pictures of dirty kitchen floors, tangled hair, beat-up cars, or annoyed husbands.
So if you're wondering about my "behind the scenes," you may ask "what do you fight about?" It might be easier to answer, what don't we fight about. But I'll stick to the question. Here's just a few of the common examples... Free Time, Money, Friends, Family, Our Business, Church, Chores... and then the more specifics like forgetting to turn off lights, chewing too loudly, buying unnecessary things, leaving clothes piled everywhere, how frequently we visit family. Just to name a few. Regardless of WHAT we're actually fighting about... it usually comes down to the fact that we're both stubborn and opinionated and these traits are exponentially increased when we're tired, hungry, or stressed. In the beginning of our marriage, sometimes these fights would extend for days. But since then, we've learned how to condense them down to about 12 hours or less. Progress. Right?
I know we will be adding one more item to our fight list... Kids. (Specifically the baby boy in my belly.) I've heard the warnings. I expect the fights to increase. But there is one thing we do agree on: not fighting in front of him. This will be a challenge and unfortunately, I am positive we will fail. Not being pessimistic. Just realistic. But at least we're willing to try?
Some days I wonder what life would be like if I was one of those wives proudly announcing that they never had a fight... Would I be able to say that marriage is easy? Would I be able to say that I never shed any late night tears? Never sprayed extra hairspray in the bathroom while Husband was taking a shower because I wanted him to (mildly) choke on the fumes? Never had an angry treadmill run? (Side note: Those are actually super helpful. You can burn so many more calories when you're so raging angry that you max out the speed and run 'til your anger turns to exhaustion.)
The truth is... not everyone is creating a fake perfect marriage on Facebook. Some people probably DO have an ideal marriage and never, or rarely, fight. (If so, please feel free to compare yourself to us and let this post make you feel better and possibly more grateful for what you have. It's like cyber spouse-swap... but you don't actually have to swap!)
But I also have a feeling that maybe there might be some people like me. So if you're out there, I hope you know that you're not alone. I hope that if you're ever angry with your spouse, then maybe you can read this post and feel like you're normal. You can see that you're not the only one who has a "behind-the-scenes" cycle of marriage: Disagree. Fight. Not want to be in the same house. (Eat/Sleep/Drive/Exercise/Write Angry Journal Entries, etc.) Then (eventually) Forgive. Make-up. Love each other.
The other side of marriage isn't fun.
But for me, it's honest, and it's real, and it's life. We're working on it. And at the end of the day (or maybe right after a yummy dinner)... we're happy.
(Did she just say that?! Yes, yes I did.)
Most often, the only things people blog, write, post, tweet, and photograph... are the good times. This is probably for the best. No one wants their feed to be filled with people's negativity and dirty laundry, right? (Although in some ways, it might be a bit healthier.)
Awhile back, I shared this...The Honesty Behind Family Photos. And in case you missed it, the metaphor is: people do a great job showing the life that they want you to see. We all do it. It's really easy to appear happy, in love, and perfect.
But today, I want to be the opposite.
Instead of blogging about my 25th birthday, I'm going to take you for a drive through the other side of my life that never makes it on Instagram. And maybe this is one step too far into the "privacy zone." But we're going there anyway.
Husband and I fight. Quite frequently.
Recently, I've been thinking about starting a "no social media" during fights, because 100% of the time I'll see something like this:
"My husband is the sweetest, most perfect angel who ever existed! I'm so grateful that he is bestest friends with my mom, and looks just like Liam Hemsworth, with a voice like Michael Buble, and surprises me with trips to Hawaii to celebrate being so successful since he was just nominated for Forbes Top 30 under 30... and I just wanted you all to know how great he is because all he does is tell me how beautiful I am and that he doesn't deserve me! And I'm like, NO. I don't deserve you! But seriously, babe. I love you times a million! #soinlove #myhusbandisbetterthanyourhusband"
Ok, that was a bit over the top. But when you're in a bad mood, fighting with your spouse, those types of comments make you want to start punching people in the face. I should be happy for them, I know. And on any other day, I probably would be. Just not in that moment.
It's during those times, that I need to remind myself of this quote:
I'm so guilty of this. But that's the point of social media, right? To share the highlight reel of your life? All the great foods you eat, places you travel, people you love, things you buy? It's no fun to post pictures of dirty kitchen floors, tangled hair, beat-up cars, or annoyed husbands.
So if you're wondering about my "behind the scenes," you may ask "what do you fight about?" It might be easier to answer, what don't we fight about. But I'll stick to the question. Here's just a few of the common examples... Free Time, Money, Friends, Family, Our Business, Church, Chores... and then the more specifics like forgetting to turn off lights, chewing too loudly, buying unnecessary things, leaving clothes piled everywhere, how frequently we visit family. Just to name a few. Regardless of WHAT we're actually fighting about... it usually comes down to the fact that we're both stubborn and opinionated and these traits are exponentially increased when we're tired, hungry, or stressed. In the beginning of our marriage, sometimes these fights would extend for days. But since then, we've learned how to condense them down to about 12 hours or less. Progress. Right?
I know we will be adding one more item to our fight list... Kids. (Specifically the baby boy in my belly.) I've heard the warnings. I expect the fights to increase. But there is one thing we do agree on: not fighting in front of him. This will be a challenge and unfortunately, I am positive we will fail. Not being pessimistic. Just realistic. But at least we're willing to try?
Some days I wonder what life would be like if I was one of those wives proudly announcing that they never had a fight... Would I be able to say that marriage is easy? Would I be able to say that I never shed any late night tears? Never sprayed extra hairspray in the bathroom while Husband was taking a shower because I wanted him to (mildly) choke on the fumes? Never had an angry treadmill run? (Side note: Those are actually super helpful. You can burn so many more calories when you're so raging angry that you max out the speed and run 'til your anger turns to exhaustion.)
The truth is... not everyone is creating a fake perfect marriage on Facebook. Some people probably DO have an ideal marriage and never, or rarely, fight. (If so, please feel free to compare yourself to us and let this post make you feel better and possibly more grateful for what you have. It's like cyber spouse-swap... but you don't actually have to swap!)
But I also have a feeling that maybe there might be some people like me. So if you're out there, I hope you know that you're not alone. I hope that if you're ever angry with your spouse, then maybe you can read this post and feel like you're normal. You can see that you're not the only one who has a "behind-the-scenes" cycle of marriage: Disagree. Fight. Not want to be in the same house. (Eat/Sleep/Drive/Exercise/Write Angry Journal Entries, etc.) Then (eventually) Forgive. Make-up. Love each other.
The other side of marriage isn't fun.
But for me, it's honest, and it's real, and it's life. We're working on it. And at the end of the day (or maybe right after a yummy dinner)... we're happy.
Thank you for sharing. I have always had a hard time, thinking my husband isn't romantic like so and so, my husband doesn't do this or that, and I often have to remind myself that this girl posted a picture of the flowers her husband brought her but it probably happens once a year. Just like me. So it's good to have another reminder and I love that quote! Thank you for sharing. We do fight too! :) and in front of our son, which we said we would never do. But you can't do anything about it when you are so frustrated about your mother in law and you get my at your husband because of him not backing you up and you are stuck in your car with your child awake in the back seat ;)
ReplyDeleteThanks for commenting! :) And I can already foresee that EXACT same situation happening with us... haha, oh boy. I hope I'm ready!
DeleteHi! So at the risk of sounding like a creeper, I loved your post on For All Momkind so I checked out your blog and really enjoy your insights :) I don't comment much, and I hope you won't mind my two cents, but one thing I learned is that it's important that if your kids do see or hear you fight, that they also see you make up and work it out. It assures them everything is alright and teaches them good problem solving skills. If you're ok with it I'd like to keep reading your blog, if that doesn't seem stalkerish to you :) -Alycia
ReplyDeleteTotally not creepy at all!! haha, actually I've met a few good friends from random commenting :) I really appreciate your advice! I feel like I've read that in a book somewhere, but it's good to hear it coming from a real person! That actually makes me feel relieved. And the concept definitely makes sense. So thank you!! (And of course, feel free to keep reading!!)
DeleteThank you! My therapist said that the toughest marriages are the best for us as individuals. When we're in really tough and challenging marriages, it almost brings out the worst in us, which helps us dig deep to better ourselves. That's helped me be (somewhat) grateful for what I went through. You're not alone! You're doing great!!
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for your insight! I've never heard that before and it definitely makes sense. It was just what I needed to hear and makes me feel a lot better. You're a great friend :)
DeleteBest post!!! I couldn't agree with you more- Facebook, Twitter, Instagram- they are all used to show how great other people's lives are and I can't tell how you how many times seeing those things have made me feel insecure about myself and my own life. God has a crazy way of working because I would envy someone because of social media and then have the chance to talk with that person and realize how difficult life has been for them. I think it's a great lesson to learn- the grass isn't always greener on the other side! It takes a lot of courage to write about the REAL side of life like you have, but how refreshing!! I have always thought you were beautiful and so was your life, but being open and honest makes it even more beautiful! I can totally relate on marriage- it's by far the greatest journey you'll ever take and at the same time it can be the most challenging. If only more people could open up about the ups AND downs then we wouldn't feel so alone! Loved reading this and so glad you're enjoying every second of your pregnancy! -Hilary Mika
ReplyDelete