No pain. No gain?

Let me tell you about something worse than giving birth (not the joyful, happy part of holding your child, just the pain and suffering part).

I'll even say it's worse than giving birth and recovering from giving birth COMBINED.

Compared to the past events in my life, nothing was more painful than the above.

That is... until I encountered breastfeeding.

I know not everyone struggles with this. In fact, the lactation consultant and nurses praised us for our picture-perfect latch and textbook positioning. We were told things like, "You're miles ahead of everyone else!", "You are naturals!" & "Wow, you are doing just great."

So of course, we felt pretty confident. But that was only day 2.

Around day 3, the pain began. Not just, "Ouch. This is uncomfortable." More like, "$H**! F. D@**! Get this piranha monster off me... NOW." This quickly escalated to cracked. bleeding. firey. inflamed. pain.

Remember that time I thought natural childbirth seemed impossible? Well multiply those feelings times 10. And that's how I felt about breastfeeding. It truly seemed impossible. At least you know the pain of childbirth will end. Breastfeeding, however... that reoccurs every 2-3 hours for MONTHS. Which basically feels like forever.

The in-home lactation consultant said we were doing everything right. But that was frustrating. It didn't make sense to me. Why did it hurt so bad? She said that some people are just more sensitive and it takes awhile for the body to "toughen up." But one side was SO painful that I just couldn't take it anymore. There was a bloody scab that kept getting sucked off and re-injured every time. Imagine your nipple getting pierced with a hot needle repeatedly for 15-20 minutes. (Sorry if that's too graphic.) But when I say it hurt... I mean it hurt like hell.

I don't even remember how many times I cried. Or how many times I wanted to give up and switch to formula. But a phrase kept repeating in my head, "Breast is best." And despite the overwhelming frustration and pain... I knew I couldn't just give up. I would be disappointed in myself if I did. I would always wonder, what if? I knew breastfeeding was great for both me and Calvin. I desperately wanted him to have the best nutrients, vitamins, antibodies and bonding with me. But I also didn't want to dread feeding my baby. (Which I did.) It was such a struggle.

A week after giving birth, the lactation consultant came to our home and weighed little Cal. Unfortunately he was continuing to lose weight. He went from 9.38 pounds at birth, to 8.7 pounds when we left the hospital... her scale now said 8.5 pounds. This was a bad sign.

So we tried a lot of things. Breastfeeding one side. Pumping one side. Supplementing with formula. Pumping both sides to stimulate supply. Coolies/Soothies. Milk catchers / Nipple protectors. Applying breastmilk & walking around topless ("the natural healing remedy"). Lots and lots of Lanolin. And when none of that worked, we tried a prescription ointment called Jack Newman's. They said it works miracles. But unfortunately, not for us. 

"Give it 2 weeks!" everyone said. Then the pain will go away and things will be better.

Well... 2 weeks later, the pain was still there. Along with our 4th lactation consultant who informed us that our baby might have what's called "lip-tie." This means there is a muscle connecting the upper lip to the gums, which makes it very difficult for the baby to flange his lip and obtain a proper and deep latch. Essentially he chews with his gums instead of sucking with his lips. (Well... THAT would explain the excruciating pain and the fact that he wasn't gaining weight, because obviously he wasn't getting very much milk that way.)

FINALLY it all made sense. But my first question was, why didn't the hospital or pediatrician notice this 14 days ago?! Because once she described it to me, I realized it was definitely something that shouldn't have been overlooked. It's obvious to anyone who looks for one second in his mouth. I even noticed it, but didn't realize it was a problem. Apparently, this is a rare condition that is only diagnosed by pediatric dentists who specialize in this abnormality.

If you're curious... here's what it looks like:

Anyway... our sweet little 2-week-old baby had to have his first painful procedure. The dentist gave him some local anesthetic. Then he took a laser and melted his lip muscle and also a little bit of his tongue muscle. They wouldn't let me stay in the room, so I'm glad his Dad was able to hold him through it. But I still heard his sad little scream from the lobby. (So yes, I cried too. Combination of postpartum hormones + super sensitive mother empathy.)

But actually, the hardest part was afterward. He was so traumatized.

And then soon after, his little lip was SO swollen!

It looked like he was punched in the mouth. And we had to do exercises 3x a day to stretch it out and rub the wound so it wouldn't grow back. His high pitched scream broke my heart every time.

The dentist had me feed Calvin right away after the procedure. Moms who had this done said they instantly noticed results and all their pain disappeared. Well, we weren't quite so lucky. We realized that Calvin needed to re-learn how to latch and suck. He was still chewing with his gums instead of sucking.

Throughout this process, the pain remained. We tried some more things. A nipple shield. Cold compresses. Warm compresses. Cradle hold. Cross-cradle hold. Football hold. Laying down hold. Hippy/laid back hold. Earth Mama Angel Baby Nipple Butter. If someone told me things would get better if I stripped naked, sang Mary Had A Little Lamb, and danced through the middle of Times Square... I would do it.

It's been 6 weeks and still, the pain remains... a deep pinching and throbbing inside "the crater" (aka a chunk of my nipple that is missing and still trying to heal.) I tell myself it's getting better (because at least I'm not crying every day.) But the truth is, it's not. And I'm not sure if it ever will. I assume the body has to develop a callous and toughen up eventually? But maybe that's just wishful thinking.

The ONLY thing that has helped me through the pain is seeing these sleepy, milk-drunk smiles every day:

I am happy to say that since his procedure, he has gained weight! He finally got back to his birth weight and last time we checked (at his one month appointment), he was 10 pounds, 11.5 ounces. That was definitely a great day at the doctor's office!

So... this has definitely been the most challenging experience of my entire life. It's one of those "things I wish I would have known before having a baby." That breastfeeding is hard. Not just the pain. But understanding your baby and making sure he is eating enough and you're doing everything possible to help him grow.

I hope I'm not scaring any future, or soon-to-be moms. Honestly, you will probably do great and wonder why I'm making such a big deal of this. So don't worry! And if it is painful and hard in the beginning, I'll leave you with the advice I've heard a million times from the successful nursing moms at my Breastfeeding Support Group (haha, yes, they have those and it's just like what it sounds. We all sit in a circle, breastfeed our babies, and talk about our problems...)

But anyway, back to that advice...

"Don't quit. It really does get better."

I just hope and pray that they're right.