Positive.

I found out I was pregnant on Tuesday, August 20, 2013.

I felt a lot of things. Disbelief. Shock. Gratitude. Surprise. Fear. Happiness. Excitement. But one thing specifically that I wasn't expecting... Guilt.

Part of the reason I waited 16 weeks to announce our pregnancy is because of the enormous amount of guilt I have been feeling... and still feel.

I feel guilty that I am expecting a baby.

This may sound strange, so I'll explain. I know many couples who have been struggling with infertility. Some for a few years, some for many years. It hurts so much to see them experience this great trial in their lives. And it's difficult for me to share my joy, knowing the pain I will cause them. The reason I know their pain, is because I too have felt it.

We have been trying to have a baby for several years. I know this doesn't sound like a long time, but I also know that infertility is an extremely difficult challenge.

Part of the hurt is seeing how EASY it is for other women to get pregnant. They stop birth control and the next month, they're pregnant! They forget to take birth control for one day and oops! They're pregnant. They were actually ON birth control and somehow got pregnant anyways... It was an accident. They weren't even trying. They make it seem like it's no big deal.

So that's what you come to accept as normal. That's what you expect for yourself.

Month after month, you get your hopes up... just for the world to come crashing down. You buy the expensive tests and kits and predictors because you think, maybe this time it will work, maybe this test will be positive, maybe THIS will be the month.

You listen to people complain about their children, and their lives... secretly thinking about how painfully jealous you are. In an instant, you would trade your vacation to Santorini, your new iPad, your 9 hours of sleep at night, your quiet house, your endless hours of "me time"... all of it. You would give every single thing just to have that puke in your hair, to listen to a baby scream all the way through Wal-Mart, to have fights with your husband because you're depressed and sleep-deprived.... because all of that would mean you have a sweet, precious baby. All of that would mean you finally have a child of your own.

After 18 months, I assumed the worst. I assumed we would never have kids... at least, the natural way. But I just couldn't deal with it. I tried to focus on other things and wasn't ready to try the drugs, or procedures, or tests. I couldn't handle it yet. But deep in my heart, the pain was tormenting. I no longer felt sad. I felt angry. Why me? Why us? Why can't we have this ONE prayer answered?

When I had started to prepare myself for this life of pain, anger, resentment, jealousy... you can imagine how shocked I was on that Tuesday morning, staring at the positive test.

And that's when the guilt came. The same questions, but with different meaning... Why me? Why us? Of course I was happy, excited, and grateful! But I also knew that my joy would bring others pain. I was no longer the "bitter outcast without kids" that I had made myself. I was now on the other side. It took a few days to adjust and realize that this was real. It was actually happening.

Trials are really, really hard. The only thing I know is that God has a plan for each of us, and it is according to His timing, not ours. I hope that my experience will make me a better mother and a better friend.

To all those who are suffering through this challenge, I hope you know how much you are loved. I hope you know that I pray for you often and I promise never to take this child for granted. And most of all, I hope that you can find the peace and comfort to help you through.