inspired by my sister

My sister, Monica, wrote a blog post about her life and "what you don't see." While reading it, I was reminded about the beauty that surrounds me every day. I also realized something else...

I write in a journal daily about all the good things that happen to me, the things I'm grateful for. I also write this blog about the fun adventures my husband and I have together.

While these things are all true, they are also a skewed view of reality. My future posterity will look back on the record of my life and think, "Wow...she was always happy and never had any problems." I try my hardest to remain optimistic and see the good in everything, but of course, I also have struggles, challenges and trials.

In my journal (from now on) I will try to write a more complete story of my life, including my difficulties and how I overcome them. I think this will be more valuable to my posterity because they will be able to learn from my experiences, instead of just reading about a perfect, happy life.

No one's life is perfect. No one is always happy. I want people to see the real me, which is often times "what you don't see..."

• What you don't see is.... when I'm lonely or homesick for my family, I tend to buy things to make myself feel better. It works temporarily, but eventually stuff just leaves me empty.
• What you don't see is... I rarely wash my hands. I know it sounds gross and unhealthy, but every time I see one of those "wash your hands to prevent spread of the flu!" I see it as a challenge. I have the perception that if I don't wash my hands, my body will be become strong at fighting off disease and will become superior. I'm sure this is untrue, but I still do it.
• What you don't see is... I have an internal closet where I lock up all my regrets, hurt feelings and anger. I avoid conflict and confrontation at all costs. I'm a peacemaker and people pleaser, and feel most happiness when everyone around me is happy. This works for me most of the time, but when my closet does open up, it is so horrible I just want to die.
• What you don't see is... I'm really scared of a lot of things, but I don't show it. Whenever I'm scared of something, I get mad at myself, and make myself do it anyways. Examples: public speaking, making new friends, volunteering in front of crowds, sharing my opinions, answering questions in class, heights, swimming in the ocean, and talking on the phone.
• What you don't see is... I'm a very independent person and hate having to rely on other people, I would rather just do everything myself. This is not a good quality for a wife, or a leader. I never pictured myself getting married at a young age, because I have a lot of goals I wanted to complete on my own. I hate it when people tell me what to do or how I should act because I almost always have the instant urge to do the opposite. I struggle with this, because I need to listen to people who know more than me. I need to learn to accept people's help.
• What you don't see is... my desire to wear scandalous clothing. (or maybe you do see it sometimes, haha) I'm not sure why, but I have always had a weakness for mini skirts, booty shorts, bikinis, tank tops, and spandex. Even though I don't love my body, I feel a sense of empowerment and satisfaction from dressing in little clothes... and my husband encourages it daily.
• What you don't see is... I forgive and forget really easily and hardly ever get offended. This may sound like a good thing, but it can be bad because I can't understand why other people are not this way. I often expect my husband to forgive me instantly and wonder why he can't forgive others for their weaknesses. I forget that everyone is different.
• What you don't see is... I have developed a bad mouth. I didn't swear much growing up, only when I messed up in sports. But recently, I have been using bad language to express my frustration and irritation. This is a bad habit that I need to stop!
• What you don't see is... I compare myself to other girls constantly. It's horrible, because I criticize myself endlessly and view others as having a perfect life (or body), with no problems. This is the precise purpose for this post. I am pointing out my faults and difficulties as a statement. No one has an easy life and there will always be someone who has it worse than me. As long as we try to learn from our mistakes and improve ourselves each day, that's all we can do. I think we are defined by how we respond when times are tough, and it is those trials which shape our character and who we are.

After writing this, I am reminded of a few of my favorite quotes:

• Happiness is not a state to arrive at, but a manner of traveling.
• Always be a first-rate version of myself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else.
• Why are you trying so hard to fit in, when you were born to stand out?
• Look towards the sun, and the shadows will fall behind you.